My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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