My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
