You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
