Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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