If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
