It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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