you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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