he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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