saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
