So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
