someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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