the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
