new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
