Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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