Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
