The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
