I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
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Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
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You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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