My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Randomize
