I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
