Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We named our party play list daddy issues
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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