We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
