my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
