Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
