i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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