He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
