i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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