He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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