he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
