I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
