Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
