I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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