I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
