I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
