i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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