if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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