Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
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