i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
