I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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