Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
