Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
