If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
