nut hugger
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
