Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
