The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
