I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
