My room smells like vodka and shame
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
