just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
