I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
