I heard we made out
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
