I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
