Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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