thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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