Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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