My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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