Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
