I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
