listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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